Espresso Barn Animals

You're so beautiful

2010-03-01T13:29:00.004-04:00

Somebody wrote that on a business card that was sitting on my desk. I'd like to think it was directed to me. It turned my day around quite literally. I have hope that it could be true.

Control me

2010-02-22T16:53:00.002-04:00

Like you used to...

No
You don't move me anymore
And I'm glad that you don't
'cause I can't have you anymore
But I thought you should know
You don't move me anymore
And I'm glad that you don't
Because I can't take it anymore

............................................................
I won't stop 'til I've given you up.

Hello

2010-02-19T03:12:00.001-04:00

What do you dream of?

Oh you silly boys

2010-02-19T03:09:00.003-04:00

I'm not going to fuck you.
You're not going to fuck me!
Why, you hardly give me any pleasure at all,
you're just cheap entertainment.

I took the stars from our eyes

2010-02-19T01:48:00.008-04:00

And then I made a map.
I knew that somehow,
I could find my way back.

Then I heard your heart beating,
you were in the darkness too;
So I stayed in the darkness with you.

When I go to India in June, there will have to be a stop in Paris on my way home, so that I can see Florence + The Machine on the 16th and basically complete my life. That will be the best birthday gift to myself I could possibly think of. Two tickets shall be purchased, in case I meet a friend along the way. That way, what will be such an amazing experience, can be shared with someone besides myself.

BRAIN! HEART! STOP CONFLICTING SO MUCH! Can't, cannot, CAN NOT stop thinking so much. Exhaustion. Time for an overhaul! My room has been overhauled, and now it's definitely my turn; body, mind, soul. What is so wrong with getting what you want? With having things your way? How come I've let the despair from two years ago still affect my body, after my mind has been free for so long... This heart is healed. Well, patched up in the least. Bandaided. How much would I love for someone to hold me, hold me together. I would hold on too; hold on tight, but tight enough to let you go.

The stars
The moon
They have all been blown out.
You have left me in the dark.

I'd spend the night

2010-01-19T01:25:00.000-04:00

And I'd lose my mind.

I tried writing out how I felt so many times now, and I just couldn't figure out what I wanted to say. So how could I have told you? If I couldn't even tell myself, how was I supposed to tell you? Yes, it took every ounce of self control not to touch you. No, I did not want to tell you that though, there was not a right time, nor a right place. I truly believe that you know this is true, and now you're just living up to that statement, and doing your best to absolutely torture me. Everything inside of me is frustrated and confused. For some reason, you can not find it in your heart to even consider forgiving me. I hardly lied, I only hid my feelings away, and rightfully so. We had made an agreement, so I, at that time, was not ready to breach those terms. Now look, look what you've done.

I kissed a girl

2009-12-29T01:37:00.003-04:00

and I liked it

Actually, I had a threesome with a trans and a lesbian.
It was prettttty interesting to say the least.

I'm Bleeding

2009-12-21T09:48:00.003-04:00

FUCK YOU MENSTRUATION
I was the craziest fucking bitch ALL weekend. I'm up, I'm down, I'm face first on the ground. In, and out, oh you know what it's all about. I don't know if I've ever been so excitable, anxious, and angry all at the same time. This paired with my usual overtiredness and natural quirky ways, was not exactly the best combination. I'm so glad that this is over, and I can continue on with my life now. This is the most undramatic exit, to a musical of a weekend.

Memory Tapes

2009-12-20T15:36:00.002-04:00

Your sound is so right. Everything I'm going through is playing along to Seek Magic like a video. The inside of my head is kind of like the weather outside of my window right now; Messy, wet, it's a blizzard, it's stinging my eyes. Don't close your eyes.

I want to give you my love, I want to call your name.
At the sound of my voice you turn away.

Flirtation

2009-12-20T02:41:00.000-04:00

Is not a talent that I possess.

Explanation.

2009-12-16T01:27:00.014-04:00

When I was a young girl, there was a very open lesbian that went to the same school, two grades higher than myself. She made it clear that she had a thing for me, but I was very not interested; in fact, I was very, very intimidated. Yes, that was an experimental time, but not for everyone at the same time. I asked her to leave me alone, that it would never happen.

This girl followed me to and from school every day for weeks. She and her posse made continuous threats at me, to kill me, beat me up, various threats that quite frankly scared me to death. All because she was not for me, and I knew that and had told her (and kindly at that). There were numerous incidents where I was physically pushed around in a circle, verbally torn apart, like something you'd see on tv. Notes passed at school, harassment written on my locker, being tripped in the hallways, thieved, teased, broken. Authorities were involved, and my spirit was shattered.

I will always remember that year from hell, and it's been very hard to put it behind me. Every time I have ever wanted to tell someone how I really felt about them, this period of my life relapses in my mind. Events such as this have made it easy to act 140% in the opposite direction when I felt needed, when I felt other ways. Though, at times, it hasn't been acting, but more than never, it has been. If you can understand, this can make expression very difficult for a teenage girl, hand in hand with the already happening hormones and growing craziness that girls go through as they bloom.

As my teenage years slowly grow farther away from me, I am trying to learn how to cope and not necessarily 'get over', but get passed the things that have severely effected my way of life. Writing about things can sometimes help, as I am trying this more frequently. However, sharing these experiences is not easy, and that's the part that I'm told will help the most. I don't know if anyone reads this, but here's something you should be very aware of:

One time I loved a girl, and she will never know.

Pick up the phone.

2009-12-14T00:17:00.005-04:00

When emotion and mind mix together, does that make you an emotional mind? Can Logic and Feelings be friends? I like to think that I think things out well before I act, but most of the time that's totally fiction. I also like to think that I act more logically than emotionally, but that's a lie too, I am definitely good at letting my emotions get in the way. Usually it's all reversed and I go over the details in my head, over and over again, after the fact. I wonder if this makes me any better or worse at what I do. What is it that I do in the long run, anyways? I have no idea how to get what I want, so cross that off the list.

Oh shit I just ate 4 extra days from my advent calendar. I've already gone through 2 of these, before December even arrived.
It's so hot in my room that I can't cheat and eat anymore because the chocolates are melted into the case itself.

Grizzly Bear, how could you make one so-amazing song for your album and have the rest as total let downs?! I actually walked my ass to the HMV and bought that album. Kicking myself now because I should have just downloaded it.

Heartburn won't leave me alone and I'm tired of tasting my own vomit in my mouth over and over again.

I'm trading in my daily time spent on facebook for time at the gym. ....... scary

I'm still

2009-12-08T10:04:00.003-04:00

I'm still an Animal.

Motivation, why you gotta be this way and do these things to make me not wanna be with you? You come and you go like it's none of my business. Well, it is, and you should walk your ass back over here because I'm really needing you.

Boys who rape should all be destroyed.

2009-12-07T13:08:00.004-04:00

Those fuckers stay in your head.

Today, I would love to go in-depth about how my life has been for the past 10 months. About how many people I have let in and out of my life, how many nights i've been kidding myself with unenjoyable sex (which is really just a shame), how many bottles of rum I have gone through. How much have I changed? I haven't changed a whole lot, but I'm figuring out how to just be myself, who I always have been, minus the labels and acting for everyone else. I wouldn't want to bore anyone though, the past is gone and the future's fast approaching so now is the most important thing I've got to focus on. Maybe I'll just go back to March and explain what the hell happened to my butterflies. But first, a miniature recap.

- I'm single.
- I am quite happy with my living situation.
- I have little to no time to do what I want.
- I know what I want, how things should be for me.
- I have butterflies.
- I hate using "I" so much in one paragraph.

My butterflies are alllllllllll backwards (kind of like my uterus). They fucking migrated over the summer. Thanks for leaving me high and dry when we could have had a lot of fun. Instead I was in a shitty relationship, travelling across the country and never having felt more alone. Displaced. Out of place. Out of time. Lost. Un-excitable. Dull.

Well it is a damned lot more difficult to write in yar blog when you think someone may read it. ;]

I should probably just talk about my cats, keep myself out of trouble for a change. The cats, formerly known as Vegas & Phoenix, are now known as Biggie & MA$E. Sometimes Miss Aa and I take our cats for drives. We are fucked. Yeah that's enough cat talk. They also all have sesame street t-shirts that they wear when we have people over. FUCKED.

Right about now, I really want to learn some techtonique. That would certainly reduce my stress levels and amp up the laughter. Maybe i'll video tape it. Nah maybe not, someone'll find it and black mail me with it. Kind of like the ass bearing photos I snapped of my roommates Saturday night when they came home. Lordy Jumpin I love pretty girls in plaid shirts and their underwear sprawled up and down my staircase hahahahaha Just to be followed by them making kraft dinner and me almost getting projectiled on the next morning. I will keep those pictures in a safe place forever, til their weddings. And by safe place I mean martha the monster mac so maybe that's not totally safe, but it'll do. WHY AREN'T ALL PROGRAMS COMPATIBLE WITH MACS?????????????!?!?! . Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh frustration levels are peaking on the charts today.

I'll sleep with one eye open.

My only weapon was my pen

2009-03-23T17:41:00.003-03:00

But I traded it for my hand.

Heartburn Flu Bug of Doom and Misery has been hanging out with me for the past few days and it's not a good friend to have. Well, I made it this far to type this much. Back to bed I suppose in a few minutes.

I've been going through and deleting all of my old LJ entries. It's not 2006 anymore. Just reading them makes me remember soooo many of my 'problems' then. If only my trials and tribulations of 2006 could meet my trials and tribulations of 2009. They'd be wayyyy intimidiated, the 2006 ones that is. Oh life.

Last night I dreamt about some bugs, which I suppose is better than the alien attack dream I was haunted by last week, with pins going through a guys head. What are these nightmares? I asked my roommate had I been screaming but apparently not out loud, so that's good, because I screamed a lot in that buggy dream. I hate insects when I am not in control of the situation. Weird dreams these days, must be the flu bug. I am not down with this sickness, but it is down with me. I'm going back down to my bed. Sleep sleep sleep, please cure me. Work should be fun tonight/tomorrow/wednesday. Yuck!

If you're not going to save me, please don't waste my time.

Business Woman

2009-03-04T18:44:00.001-04:00

In how many cities can you look outside of your apartment window and see all of the stars?

Waiting in line.

2009-02-18T00:25:00.002-04:00

I couldn't believe my eyes yesterday at the bus stop. I witnessed two complete strangers fall completely head over heels for one another in approximately 25 minutes. As she stepped off of the bus and looked up, her eyes met his and they exchanged a smile. She came and stood inside the shelter near me as he remained outside, but neither of them could hide their shy delicate smiles behind the thick scratched glass of the bus house. She slowly made her way towards the entrance, and he shuffled around pretending to be anxious about whenever his bus would arrive, but it was clear to see he was just making his way towards where she was standing. He asked her for the time, she responded after checking her phone, and proceeded to make a complaint about how cold it was. He was charming and asked where her boyfriend was, that he should be warming her up. After about 15 minutes of chitchat and shuffling around doing the 'minus 20 dance' they were playing some sort of twisted game of footsies and when her bus arrived they quickly exchanged phone numbers and gave a quick hug and a kiss on the cheek as she left. He watched her every second as the bus drove away.

I was convinced that these sorts of things were fables made up for movies to make us girls feel somewhat hopeful at the end of the show. However, on this particular day, not a camera was in sight.

B is for how Becoming.

2009-02-05T03:00:00.003-04:00

Today I had a preview of a fabulous life, minus money and the desired marital status. It was a good day with pretty sprinkles of snow falling throughout the afternoon. Dinner was a jambalaya of goodness with a dear old friend. A and I sipped our mocchiato and latte while discussing real topics of interest and playing jokes on each other. We were dolled up and walked downtown in this winter wonderland and everything was pleasant.

Beauty, Bravery, Blindness, B's that I'm carrying with me more often. Eyes to see the beauty all around me. A Heart that pushes me to be braver than tucked away. A brain that yields to it's written rules to sometimes turn a head and try new things. I will need a larger pack to keep them in if things keep going the way they're going.

I reflected on how things are turning out. Aa has figured out how to voice his voice to be heard by his partner. It makes me proud that maybe I'm not such a bad matchmaker after all, only when it comes to myself do I fail miserably miserably. I thought back to how much A has grown into such a fine young lady. Still naive but in an appreciable way. Much better of a friend than she has ever been, and she just keeps getting better. D, oh wise one who teaches me so much, who's really turning into quite the softy and maybe I'm the one who's breaking away at the platinum shell he hides in. Big D danced tonight like no one was watching. Kiche kiche phrase I know, but he pulled out the moves as the 3 of us played an entertaining sport of Scrabble.

I have a great job, I have great friends, I have great mentors, a great family, great goals, great desires, great interests, a pretty great life overall. Not to brag, not to boast, not to pull out all the B's like street signs pull to numbers in NYC, but maybe it was me the whole time who was a bit behind, and now just now am I starting to catch up a bit and take part in this life. What's been taking me so long? Where have I been?