Explanation.

When I was a young girl, there was a very open lesbian that went to the same school, two grades higher than myself. She made it clear that she had a thing for me, but I was very not interested; in fact, I was very, very intimidated. Yes, that was an experimental time, but not for everyone at the same time. I asked her to leave me alone, that it would never happen.

This girl followed me to and from school every day for weeks. She and her posse made continuous threats at me, to kill me, beat me up, various threats that quite frankly scared me to death. All because she was not for me, and I knew that and had told her (and kindly at that). There were numerous incidents where I was physically pushed around in a circle, verbally torn apart, like something you'd see on tv. Notes passed at school, harassment written on my locker, being tripped in the hallways, thieved, teased, broken. Authorities were involved, and my spirit was shattered.

I will always remember that year from hell, and it's been very hard to put it behind me. Every time I have ever wanted to tell someone how I really felt about them, this period of my life relapses in my mind. Events such as this have made it easy to act 140% in the opposite direction when I felt needed, when I felt other ways. Though, at times, it hasn't been acting, but more than never, it has been. If you can understand, this can make expression very difficult for a teenage girl, hand in hand with the already happening hormones and growing craziness that girls go through as they bloom.

As my teenage years slowly grow farther away from me, I am trying to learn how to cope and not necessarily 'get over', but get passed the things that have severely effected my way of life. Writing about things can sometimes help, as I am trying this more frequently. However, sharing these experiences is not easy, and that's the part that I'm told will help the most. I don't know if anyone reads this, but here's something you should be very aware of:

One time I loved a girl, and she will never know.